Suicide..nah!!!

This is a serious article with intentions to discuss a serious topic.I want to talk about suicide.I have been reading all morning about people who commit suicide and I want to know what drives people to this drastic step.I have analysed and come up with a few pointers.Hope you all take note of it and avoid such an event in your lives in the future.Please...

1 Do not listen to George Bush for more than 10 mins at a stretch.
2 Do not watch Ekta Kapoor serials..any of them..then you'll react to every situation three times and since normal people dont do it,you'll commit suicide.
3 Do not at any point in your life listen to "hit me Baby one more time",look what happened to the singer...and what may happen to you,god forbid!
4 Do not watch Sehwag bat,if he still plans to play and you plan to watch....that's like asking for it...no sympathisers at your funeral..i'm telling you.
5 Do not watch back to back Karan Johar....you will be pronounced clinically dead..tantamount to suicide..you chose to watch..
6 Do not watch Indian Idol....you will become deaf after some 15 episodes and you will kill yourself out of depression as you cannot listen to music anymore...how tragic
7 Do not make racist remarks....death of your career..depression again and wham...a .22 caliber seems very friendly.
8 Do not do drugs..the above mentioned .22 caliber will actually become a friend and you'll have long philosophical discussions with it.
9 Do not decide to travel in second class train compartment to Delhi in summer...that's just plain foolish,you can as well choose a simpler and less painful way by jumping off the 30th floor...
10 Do not call Arjun Singh,out OBC minister senile...he can ruin our life by putting you under the General merit category....and you will have no life and no education....so again..that fan on the ceiling in your General Merit hostel can be used for multiple purposes.....
Please follow these simple rules and avoid commiting suicide...Thank you.

Etc Etc...

Greetings!I am on a roll today.earthlings!!!heheheh....I'll beam you all up.So it's half way through monday..what incredible joy!!I have attained nirvana..hehehhe...anyway..I was looking at the endangered species list and wanted to make some additions.No,humans aren't endangered.....not even close...I want some of them to be endangered and well on their way to extinction...here's the list...
1 George Bush.....just for existing.He's one of a kind...
2 Arjun Singh....purely because he got back the concept of reservations...he should simply wait for this end to come sitting in some hill station.
3 Mamta Banerjee....she's a really really confused soul..we'll show her redemption.
4 H D Deve Gowda....wellll...he likes sleeping..very much..lets help him.
5 Jayalalitha...yes,the same one with shoes....another confused soul.
6 Britney Spears.....what??how can I not put her in the list...she should have been first...but hey,she's got some serious homegrown competition.
7 Himesh Reshamiyya...bad bad bad bad music and for threatening to come out with a movie he wants to act in.....be still my heart!
8 Karan Johar....using my money to make Kabhie Alvida Na Kahna and the rest...gimme my money back.....I need to pay taxes so that you can make some more crappy new york movies.
9 Beckham...doesnt matter which one....just for being mind numbingly boring.
10 Rakhee Sawant..we already have one Pamela...so another one is not required....

Yeah yeah..I am bored..I bet you are too...so do not sigh when you see this mail in your inbox.So what do you all do anyways!!slavery in a milder manner...Take Nelson Mandela's example and go for a long walk to freedom..not the Dandi March,monkeys..that was Gandhi!! ....
So the himalaya will apparently melt by 2050...that's not too far off...about 43 years away...and yeah..do not feel happy,you'll all be still alive,unless you commit suicide.You'll all be about 60 odd years old and be refugees...yes,apparently there will be a lot of those too..So what do you do about this..any ideas?No..?I have one..I'm gonna shift them to my office...it's freaking freezing in here..my hands have no feeling in them anymore(I'm typing this with great difficulty..and yes i'm doing this on office time...dont point fingers,i'm sure you all are on orkut right now)
So himalayas will melt and disappear,north indians will become refugees and will shift to south india,in some more years,there will be no more fairness creams market in south.See,it's a chain reaction.I'm telling you.Since half Indians,Punjabi's,Gujarati's,Andhra people and other engineers and Malayalee's would have emigrated to US,UK and Middle east respectively,I think we can accomodate them here.The market will also drop down for yellow gold,Kanchee sarees and mallepo.So I think we need to tell them to stop the global warming.They are the ones directly affected by it.Darn..where are in cricketers when you need them(what did you say..?in ireland?...oh ok..thought that was pakistan)
So people are getting married,procreating,contributing more to global warming and getting on the wrong side of Al Gore..What are You doing?

OBC's

How you doin'?Yeah yeah,I have a Joey hangup....so sue me...pftt....today donkeys!the education will be about education!!Yeah you read right,if you can still read..it is not only about education,It is about the Great Indian Education System.Let me inform you through this session....
Firstly I need to know which category do you belong to?GM or OBC?If it's GM,forget it,you guys will not get an education in India and will go somewhere else to study...hopefully not bangladesh,because that's for cricket coaching you monkeys!!
OK,since we have now established you all are OBC's,what does the abbrevation stand for?Dont know??????but.you are an OBC..tat you know or that is what your recent brand new ceritificate says..go and find out what it stands for...
Allright,we now have to establish whether you belong to the creamy layer of OBC's.....yeah,there is such a thing...It means you have all the freaking money in the world and you are an OBC.It's like a double lottery.Congratulations!!
Now here we have the future of India,an education system based on backward classes and creamy layer of backward classes...What exactly is backward class..according to me,it is anyone who falls under the General Merit category,because these are the people who score 99 percentiles and percentages and still cannot get in because the seat is "reserved".Now these are the actual marginalised people.
So we have the greatest education system in India,from the time of Nalanda university...yeah right!!We have a better one now based on "Reservation".
Let me get this strainght,I am not against reservation,I am for the fact that it should be done for people based on their economic background,not whether your ancestors were the first ones to be liberated by Gandhi.
So here's to the New India and "India Rising".Raise a toast to whoever comes under the OBC,you have the great Indian Education system waiting for you.It's all yours..Cheers!!!

Cricket!!

So how was the weekend?not so good i presume...atleast if you are an cricket watching indian fan....loss of sleep coupled with a loss of respect and sometimes loss of property does not have tidings for a good weekend...Let me give you some ideas as to how to cope....
1 Stop watching cricket.
2 If you disregard no 1,then expect the worst...we are going to lose.Keep your doctor on speed dial.
3 There are other games you know!...yes there are...watch our national game....hockey monkeys hockey!not cricket...
4 Watch football....atleast we dont care who wins or loses AND it gets over in a couple of hours.So you're other half will be happy too..So this solves a lot of issues about Tv and sofa hogging.
5 If you have watched the match and not slept,watch golf,another game,morons...most guarnteed to put you to sleep after chess,especially if you do not know the rules of either...
6 Get an education,watch the statistics of india's chances at world cup...we're the original braniacs.
7 Go to a park..it's the only place probably where cricket is not relayed.
8 Best of all..switch off the TV.
9 Most importantly..pray for Australia to lose.Something can be done by you,cant it??

All said and done,it was a bad show,so nothing much can be done about it.What is the point of tearing down their houses and blackening their faces on posters...it was us who got them up there in the first place,the large reason for our disappointment in their performance is us itself..So next time you know who to support...God bless his soul...Woolmer!

Where is Boycott and gavaskar and pataudi when we need them....retired it seems!humph!!!

Shining....

Well...well...well....lookie who's reading this!monkeys!!!....missed me????sure you did.......dont lie.....all people like you make up india...yeah yeah...that's right "India Shining".The same one.Shining apparently,you know why they bought out this campaign during summer.....that's cos they mean it literally.....yeah...ever seen any indian go out in the afternoon and come back...yeah..monkeys...india shines...
So we beat bermuda by a world record margin!darn..!!! india shines against bermuda...guys!!they have the bermuda triangle.....what do we have???no...you cannot let loose Bal Thackery on them..or Mamta Bannerjee...bad idea...see,the triangle rules.!! be scared...very scared!
The world is coming to India for it's spirituality...fantastic again!!!let all of them come and learn what we all know from centuries......nothing much...we just pretend we do...and we are the best at it..what do you think the halo behind all gods is for anyway?"shining"...
Hello is coming to india...one more shining example of globalization...now their trash is our trash....god darn it...we are terribly pleased.
So there is more money allotted in the budget for sheeps and wool than for sports people and their accomodation.....so the'll sleep in the stadium...should get up early anyway...what say?idiots!should take their peronal budget away,the politicians..i mean....then we'll get all the new flyovers,the new roads,the new funds for educational institutions,etc etc...now that's "India Shining".....what say :)

India

Today I am asking you what you will do for your motherland...and no,it's not Britain...not even close...it's India!!bah!
So what will you do for India........maybe you all can
1 Stop procreating....mother india will be eternally grateful...use the darned protection...it's there for a reason.
2 Stop watching cricket...it is important...the ads will atleast stop
3 Vote....we seem to be incredibly good at choosing bad politicians...lets see us better our record.
4 Study...get a creamy layer OBC certificate,guarnteed you will get the best education.Then you can go to
5 Go to us of a...for the above mentioned point one...too many people here anyway...russia can also be an option
6 Stop listening to Himesh reshamiyya....please please...it's not a request,i'm pleading...he'll stop singing....and dont watch him either...he's planning to make a movie....god save us.(this is finally armageddon).
7 Start logging on to orkut and read my blog...hheheheh...
8 Read books by Indian authors...No,autobiography of Shakila is not literature.
9 Save water...drink beer.
10 Laugh more...that is important...why do you think Lallu is where he is...he laughs at himself and all the way to the bank ...

11 Save space...live in your office..that's what most of us do anyway.

So what'll you do?

FRIDAY!!

So it's Friday!!!!yippee....weekend.....don't be so happy....many ppl die over the weekend...yeah it's true.....all you monkeys(orang utang is a little too long to type) are so happy that the weekend is here that you all go drinking.....that's ok...not only that...you silly silly people not only drink but you also drive....at this point you think you all are next ms(cannot spell the name....yeah yeah..revoke my citizenship)...then bam!!you see stars..except the stars are very very real this time......heheheh..ok morbid..ain't it?
So how to avoid seeing stars:
1 Ask "police mama" to drop you home.but this may backfire,that is if you say...polissshhhhh uncle..pleashhhhhh take homeeee...then he'll take you to what he thinks should be your home
2 Ask your wife or husband to pick you up,again,this may have it's drawbacks..if you call your husband or wife by some other name,even if it's just the bartenders name or the waitresses's name..this time you'll really see stars...especially when you are stone cold sober.
3 Ask your friend to drop you home,this has very few drawbacks...provided you recognize your friend and go home with them itself...otherwise the consequences may turn quite ugly..
4 Ask the pub's/restaurant's/hotel's car to drop you back.......dont worry,these people are the experts,they'll understand whatever you are trying to say and take you to the right place...(that's why they take cards)
5 Ask your boss to drop you......prerogative for this that even he should be slightly full,otherwise you'll find yourself without a job and just a mother of hangovers for company if you let out a lot in your drunken haze.
6 Ask a sibling to pick you up.The major drawback being,you are setting up for a lifetime of blackmail and abuse.
7 Ask your dad...this is the last last last option...please be prepared for the dire consequences.It's too ugly even to put it down.you may prefer to see the real stars to this one.

So I hope you take me seriously...do not drink and drive..See,I can give a social message.

You are a Bangalorean if....in no particular order

1 Being a born and bred bangalorean puts you in a minority community in Bangalore.

2 You are one of the very few people who speak kannada in a city in which one of the main languages is kannada.
3 You still think koramangala is a days trip.
4 You can find your way blindfolded to veena stores or to any part of malleshwaram.
5 You think you need a day off after your stressful and tiring trip to electronic city.
6 You think beer and rock are staple diets and wonder why the others dont see it that way.
7 Know atleast one engineering college in your neighborhood.
8 At some point of time visited mount carmel college.
9 Know that MTR is the not just packaged foods but originally a restaurant.
10 Hate the freaking malls,but go there anyway because they are everywhere.
11 Actually sing Dr Rajkumar songs and know his movies.
12 Have used swalpa adjust maadi as a part of your vocabulary,not just as a phrase.
13 Have used "coffee aayita" to anyone you have met and at anytime of the day.
14 Have taken them to drink "filter coffee"(probably to veena stores,brahmin's tiffin,mtr or the like)if they say they have not had coffee.
15 Masala Dosa is another staple diet.(only bangaloreans can make them...so true)
16 16C weather will make you get out sweaters and mufflers....(really!!!we are a pampered bunch)
17 Are lazy as sloths.
18 At some point in your life your parents wanted you to join MES college.
19 Will still talk about the good old days where everything was at a more slower pace.
20 Finally!!!!....if this phrase brings back a smile or memories.....then you are a true bangalorean!!!!
"Fill in the Blanks...Bangarappa dance"

So you know an investment advisor

So you know an investment advisor when they say:

1 To be a client you should have lot of money, you see, we put it as requirement because you will not feel the pinch if you lose some of it along the way...(and lose you will).
2 Once you are a client, we pamper you.Yes,new year and diwali gifts are pampering, so...what did u expect...,a free holiday!!??...
3 We do as per your bidding as the client is important to us. And no,it's not christmas if we answer your call at the first ring,so stop jumping.
4 We reply to your mails as soon as we receive them.yes,we do...we only want to tell you good news you see..So we receive it as and when there is good news in the markets.
5 We do listen to you as the client's opinion is important and we do not do as we please as we have the experts(even though they are wrong...sometimes......)
6 New instruments are interesting to invest in,they also make good coffee table conversation pieces. See,we take care of your social life too,so please do not blame us if your alternate funds aren’t performing, you still have an active social life.
7 So with the money you make with us (yes, you will make money, you cannot lose all the time, law of averages,you see),we do expect you to invest with us, that’s not a lot to ask, is it?
8 We do not give the jargon just to confuse you, it has deep inner meanings to it, please read all the research reports we send you,( they actually mean...maybe you can explain it to us)


Lastly.*Conditions apply must always be read, we put it there for a reason. All the nicest things are in there. That’s why the print is so small. All good things come with a little hard work. So squint and read

MEN!!!

Yeah! Yeah! I know what you are all thinking...here's another rant against men.Nah! I'm not that petty.Just inspired to write a little something on the species called man(yes,very inspired by yesterday's play).
Men,what a bunch!!confused,perplexed,sweet,cute,thoughtful(sometimes,yes they are),horny,complex...but mostly horny.This is at any given age.So let's try figuring them out a little bit
Firstly,most men develop heart problems at a young age,it starts at the time a girl says,"we need to talk".That's why more men die of heart attacks.
Secondly,they are confused.This again begins when the girl says the above mentioned statement.They thought their life was going good so far,now they have no idea what their life holds.Shame on you girls!
Thirdly,most of them do not come with tact,it has to be taught.Oh all right,I agree George Bush is not a prototype,'Rocky Balboa' is,feel better?I thought so.I feel better too.
Fourthly,"boys will be boys".At heart,soul and yes,sometimes mentally.Don't believe me,try taking care a man down with fever for a few days.If you still don't,give a man any battery operated toy at any age,now preferences of the toys...ahem...differ....but they'll be the happiest.They'll also forgive you for spending so much.
Fifthly,This is where their dark secret is revealed.they are quote sappy when in love.Yes,you guys are,we know that,we just pretend we do not.
Whatever said and done,they are an adorable species,with their idiosyncrasies,their perplexities and all.They are cute,adorable and sweet,silly,amazing(even if their aim in life sometimes is to be like Hugh Hefner,can you blame them really?!).So guys,here's to everyone of you,may all your aims in life be true....Cheers!Lets go have a drink...

So F****** Tax

The budget came out today.I will give you a break down of how it will affect us...........
1 Your investments will be expensive...you will invest in Mf's to get away from paying tax but will pay 15% on the dividend....so basically d if you do and d if you dont...

2 Plastic is cheaper...so here's a yippeee for all the neelkamal furniture you can buy...

3 Footwear is cheaper..so while you cannot buy vegetables,you can definitely buy those killer pair of shoes.

4 Plywood is cheaper......so u still have hope against neelkamal.

5 for women,the slab rate been increased to 145000.Yippee...first let us earn enough to get into the tax bracket..wht's the
use of having slb rates...discrimination still at large i say...

6 Cigarettes are more expensive...so u can expect ITC to hike their hotel room rates....so stay in taj view hotel or lake view or krishna hotel.II or III tier.

7 Relief for job creating sectors...so out of scope for fin.services industries...

8 If you are planning to buy a plane or a copter,don't,they will be taxed too...there goes my dream down the drain..one step closed to mallya and 7 steps backwards..

9 Pet foods are cheaper,so if you cannot afford vegetables,get urself some pedigree.

10 India will be a preferred area of drug testing...you can see a significant decrease in our population in the future....

11 Pan masala to be more expensive....so it'll still be fairone filmfare awards...manickchand will still make 300% more oxygen bottled water and change abt the same times more for it.

Defence expenditure increased....cannot really complain there...even if you want to ...we have pakistan for our neighbours...so more money there the better....

So what do you think of my assessment of the Budget 2007?

Ok...so i was bored...

This is revenge....muhahahahah(it's evil laughter if you did not know).This is cos you sent me all those bad bad bad bad jokes,so I shall take sweet revenge.Here goes:

Q1:Who is Qutubuddin?
A1:He built Qutub Minar(I hope)

Q2:Who is Tajuddin?
A2:No,he did not build taj mahal.So the real answer is,how the hell do I know.

Q3:Who is Karima?
A3:He is a waiter at Taj mahal reataurant.Bet you dint know this one.heheheh..

Q4:Who is Bhalu?
A4:He is a character from Jungle book.He is not even real..what were you thinking?

Q5:Who is Ramappa?
A5:He owns a tea shop near residency road.Proves your geography and general knowledge is bad.

Q6:Who is Dasappa?
A6:No,he does no own a tea stall OR a pan stall.He is a candidate from one of the rural constituencies.This makes your politics look real bad,does'nt it?

Q7:Why is Margaret Thatcher happy?
A7:Because her statue is the only statue of a living ex prime minister in the palace of westminser.Wonder what they are trying to say.

Q8:Why is Jayalalitha happy?
Q8:Someone just awarded her a posthumus statue.Someone just like you.Cannot differentiate between living and dead.Nor can she apparently,so who cares.

Q9:What is pertfetuioey?
A9:I dont know and I dont care.Ask a frenchman or a tribal.Same difference.

Q10:Why is there so much snow in antartica?This is a trick question...







A10:Where does the snow go from the lanes when they clear it..well...now you know

so it was women's day today......big deal u'd think..but no...except the media...yeah yeah...print,electronic..the works...but who should actually appreciate you?not other women.......i know u'all appreciate each other and all...but where are the men who should do that...they are sitting and sulking cos there is no man's day or the "real men" are out drinking and watching a game....
dont get me wrong,i'm not anti men...or even a feminist....i'm just trying to say that what is the idea behind the whole concept,to cherish,to celebrate a woman i thought,now it's more like a cross between a mothers day and a valentine's day.it's more a commercial circus than a meaningful day.in a couple of years it'll be an obligatory day...like when you have to wish your respective partners and have to get them something...what a whole campaign for high end expensive items to be sold...
anyway,i wanted to say,it's not necessary we have a "woman's day" for people to tell that you are special.It's quite special that we are born women...so a very happy women's day........cheers!!!!!!

just a happy poem

i wish,upon a star
upon the starlight,
to take me..
home...

starlight nights,
sunshine mornings,rain drenched lanes
i wish,upon the rain..
to take me
home...

butterfly wings,
dappled sunlight,
under a tree,i wish upon the tree,
to take me
home....

cool breeze,falling leaves,
autumn,i wish upon the leaves,
to take me
home....

all i have is a wish
starshine,take me
home...